The Next Best Thing

Date viewed: March 11, 2000
Location: Loews 19th Street East, Manhattan

Somebody please stop her. Don't let her do it again Madonna is a bad actress. She sucks. Does she just have so much money that she can do absolutely anything she wants? I simply can't imagine that any director or producer sat around and decided Madonna would be good for this role - or any role for that matter. I had read that Julia Roberts turned down the female lead in this movie. Apparently every actress including the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen turned down this role if Madonna ended up with it. I know it sounds like I'm just being mean, but it truly looked to me as if Madonna was either bored or constipated in each and every scene. And what's up with her perfect enunciation of each and ev-er-y sill-a-bull ev-er-y ti-mme sh-ee spee-eeks? Stop her!

The movie is about a yoga instructor (Madonna) that sleeps with her gay best friend (the delectable Rupert Everett) and ends up pregnant. The two form a unique family until a yuppie stock broker (the scrumptious Benjamin Bratt) wants to marry Madonna and move away when the child is 6 years old. There's a stupid custody battle, a surprise twist to the whole proceedings and a ludicrous ending that takes place on a deserted hill top road where I kept waiting (perhaps hoping) a lone car would come barreling over the peak and wipe out the entire cast.

On the up side, it was nice to see a family of a different type portrayed on the screen. (Unfortunately, they ended up to be just as dysfunctional as any "regular" family.) We also got to see the hunky Mr. Everett in various stages of undress (including stepping, glistening wet, from the shower). Mr. Bratt was incredibly chiseled - almost to the point of abnormality. And Mark Valley (previously known as the second Jack Devereaux on Days of Our Lives) was humpy and sexy, yet sensitive, in two scenes as Mr. Everett's potential boyfriend. I could have done with a lot more Valley booty and a lot less of Madonna's annoying speech pattern.

And what was up with singing "American Pie"? The single on the radio is just fine with me. But I will never figure out what it was doing in the movie.

Listen to me: Do the words "rent" and "fast forward" mean anything to you?

Back to main Mr SmartyPants Page.

Email David Martin: click here.

The text and design of MrSmartyPants.org is copyrighted © 2000 by David A. Martin.   Site design and photography by Craig Hamrick/Broadway Media Services Inc.